Katfish Kapers: Arctic Adventure Part 1 - getting stabbed on the high seas

This year's adventure was a journey to the top of the earth. The arctic ice cap. But, as usual, getting there was the fun part. Real fun, in fact.

We start in New York (well close, you could see it from the dock - actually we were in Brooklyn)

This is the Queen Mary 2. She's a beast. Biggest ship I've ever been on (and I've visited 5 aircraft carriers in my life). The QM-2 is 150,000 tons of ocean smashing steel.

She's named after this old bag:

Mary of Teck - King George the 5th's main squeeze
By Bain News Service; edited by Fir0002 - This image is available from the United States Library of Congress's Prints and Photographs division under the digital ID ggbain.31282.

She's also one-of-a-kind. The QM-2 is the world's only remaining ocean liner. There's a difference between a cruise ship and an ocean liner. Back in the "olden days" (don't you hate it when your kids use that term and the time frame includes you?) the only way to "cross the pond" was to voyage on one of these monsters.

Guess which one this is

This is the original Queen Mary (now permanently moored in Long Beach, California)

The ocean liners were killed by this invention:

Boeing 707 1958

Ocean liners are cruise ships with the engines and hull on steroids. They're built with a specific purpose - crossing the ocean at high speed, the weather be damned. The hull includes 40% more steel forward. The engines are massive 150,000 hp. That's a lot. Like the Boeing 707 pictured above, 2 of the QM-2's 6 engines are jets. They add 67,000 hp. You would expect them to be mounted deep in the engine room, but because turbines are lightweight, the designers could stick them anywhere. They're right below the funnel.

not only can you not see them, you can't hear them either

If you're wondering how the turbines are connected to the propellers from that high up in the ship, the answer is that they aren't. In fact, none of the engines are. The QM-2 uses 4 electric azipods to move the ship.

The QM-2 was the first passenger ship to use Azipods (war ships have used them for years). It hasn't gone well. Rolls Royce made the azimuth thrusters (the correct name for the big electric motor pods underneath the ship). Evidently Rolls Royce didn't do a good job engineering the bearings. The bearings have had to be changed several times since the launch of the QM-2. This is expensive. VERY expensive (you can't hire Harbor Bob the scuba diver to do it - you have to go into dry dock). Carnival (the owner of Cunard) finally got pissed and sued Rolls Royce. In 2011 they won a $25M dollar judgement against RR. The jury found Rolls-Royce sold the system to Carnival even though the company knew the product was defective and not fully developed. Not only that, they also sold them replacement bearings knowing full well they weren't any good (those engineers from Rolls were fired and immediately hired by Volkswagen).

Ever wondered what kind of mileage a ship like the QM-2 gets? Not much. A gallon of fuel will only move this monster 41 feet. That's still better than the original QM, she only got 13 feet/gallon. Which is still better than this bugger:

The Saturn V got 11 inches per gallon at take off

So what's it like to travel on the big queenie? Kinda boring. The ship is so heavy and the stabilizers so effective that it doesn't feel like you're moving at all. Forget about going on deck. Since the design was for very high speed (35 mph) all of the decks are shielded from the wind. So you do other things. Like take up fencing.

Andy (our instructor) with two of the women students

The course was taught for an hour each morning on the main ballroom floor

Fencing is a really interesting sport. It's very highly stylized, much like the martial art taekwondo (Korean karate). Just like studying taekwondo, if you think you can study either sport then go out and be a badass - guess again. Fencing is not the same as pirate sword fighting. In fact, it was developed in the 1800's in France as a way to have sword fights without anyone being run through with the foil and killed. I'll spare you all the gory details, but trust me, fencing is a real workout. It's also great fun. My sparing partner was a big,tall German engineer. We usually fought to a draw (this doesn't take more than a few seconds). Once we even stabbed each other in the chest at the exact same instant - earning a very enthusiastic "touche" from Andy.

If you need to walk, knock yourself out.

One of the design features of the QM-2 is that the showroom-at-sea is amidships (instead of all the way forward as is normal).

Makes the show floor more stable for the dancers. Fascinating. If you're wondering how I know all this inside stuff it's because I was traveling with this guy:

Lousy picture, here's a better one below

(Probably taken a few pounds and years ago)

This is Micky Arison. For 30 years Micky (he asked me to call him by his first name) was the CEO of Carnival. Apparently he was pretty good at being CEO. Today Carnival has a 50% world market share of the cruising industry. Micky is worth around $7 B (he's also a big basketball fan, with that kind of cash lying around he was able to buy the Miami Heat). This was his first time on the QM-2, which is kinda interesting given that he's the one who authorized and paid for it. On the other hand,why would you travel on the QM-2 when you own both of these yachts?:

The food on board was pretty good. Go figger, look at the size of the chief chef (never trust a skinny chef or a bald barber):

Helluva nice guy, a delight to talk to.

Here's where the 189 chefs that report to him do some of their work.

I've never seen so much stainless steel outside of a foundry in my life

One of the goofy things I witnessed was this artist (Philip Gray) painting underwater.

HE strapped on a scuba tank in the midships pool and painted for about 15 minutes.

I was expecting it to be a piece of crap. I was wrong.

Makes you wonder if painting under water with acrylics makes it a watercolor painting? Yes, I know, I have too much time on my hands.

Near the bow you'll find some gorgeous "sculptures". They're called the Commodore's Cuff-links:

They are, of course, not sculptures at all. They're propeller blades. A bucket of superglue and a big torque wrench and you're good to go after you hit an uncharted rock in San Diego harbor (inside joke).

I didn't know what to make of some of the artwork on-board.

WTF?

Some of the artwork was obviously commissioned just for the ship:

My favorite - a big hunk of green glass

Sometimes I notice details. Checkout the lower left part of the hallway door.

That's not a mouse door. It's so you can keep the fire rated door closed and yet be able to string a fire hose through it.

Like to travel, but miss your dog? Take 'em with you.

Complete with:

You don't wanna know what a dog ticket costs (big bucks), however, if you're British there's an offsetting advantage for going home from the US on the queenie. The QM-2 is sovereign British territory. That means when you check-in your dog - the crossing days count as quarantine. Your dog can get right off the ship with you.

One cool place on-board is the elegant cigar lounge. This is Sheldon demonstrating how to properly light a cigar (using cedar wood).

This brings me to talk about the staffing difference between the QM-2 and most other ships. Sheldon was the most knowledgeable cigar aficionado I've ever met anywhere in the world. But you wouldn't know it without digging. QM-2 staffs their ship much like the British upper class do their castles. Servants are expected to be available, but they won't bug you like a waiter in a restaurant. The cigar lounge was a lively place for conversation with very well educated people. I had a terrific time there (I just never mentioned it took me and Jethro Bodine 4 years to get through the 6th grade).

Leaving NY harbor